Rosebank and beyond

A year ago, I had a fabulous day/night/day. I didn’t know it, but I was quite ill with asthmatic bronchitis....I was feverish, but I thought that was more to do with the occasion. 

I started the day off with plench of the coffee, put myself on a train that went fast and got off the other side. Butterflies circling, but also immense calmness, because I just knew it was going to be such an epic 24 hour adventure. Cheeks high in colour - which I put down to glowing, but was actually a fever! 

There were so many double gins involved that a member of staff instructed that food be ordered. I felt assured in the conversations, confident in my statements, secured by an epic love that I have, that I’ll always have. There were no doubts, zero crap and minimal awkwardness. 

I got answers to so many questions that had been bubbling around my brain for most of my life. I was in the moment and that moment felt so damn good, so damn right. I cried like a loon and laughed until I ached. I had uncontrollable giggles and gained so much peace. I remember it all. 

And this week, should have been a continuation, another piece of the story.....a chapter to be written if you will. Tomorrow would have been epic. But that’s all for another day, in another year. 

And, I am not saddened by that....I mean I am pissed that I don’t get to finally see The Pixies and Pearl Jam in Hyde Park....but I will I’m sure/I hope. But I’m not morose. Because I got what I wanted, when I wanted it. I got the understanding.

We are souls that give everything in the moment, we have a divine and unique sense of each other (I’m not calling it anything else). I understand, in part because of that night, and that’s all that counts. 

I get it. Thank you. 

Aunty Rosie......if you know, you know. 

Day 109

How very calm I feel. It’s no secret, my emotions have been like the tides....in and out, up and down. 

I feel it’s all been to get me to this point of calmness....to this chilled place. 

I had my last fit of pique on Friday. Classic case of not getting what I want. And in my opinion, completely justified. Moments like that, cause me to stop, to analyse and re-evaluate and think about what I really want. And how to get it. Moments like that are good in that respect. Also, being able to say “sorry for my rant”. 

Back to my calm: I feel very sure on my way forward. There’s light. I’m happy exactly how I’m living. I’m fortunate to have so much at this time when so many in the world have very little.  I know this. 

I’m also fortunate not to be compromising any part of my life anymore. I’m not keeping the peace for an easier life. To excuse shitty behaviour because I want them to feel better about themselves. To not have that knot of anxiety because I’m afraid to upset someone, because they’ve done wrong to me. That bit of ‘walkover me’ is gone. I mean, where did she come from? I wasn’t taught that kind of behaviour. I was taught to be awesome and strong and not let anyone treat me less. So that part had to go....it has no part of me. 

And I feel better for it. I feel once again, like I should. Like I fit my skin. I’m calm, I’m honest and I’m ready to take it on. 

I’m back. 

Breathe. 

https://youtu.be/xyH0eq57E8c