Sentiments

I'm far too sentimental. And also gullible. I try to understanding reasoning and I think I let myself down there.

If someone makes an excuse for something but has a super good story/reason behind it - 9/10 I'll believe it.

I also put too much faith in having history. I think because someone has known me for most of my days - easy more than half my life - they won't hurt me, treat me like shit and generally step into/over/under my feelings. No, I think they'll be honest and considerate and a real friend.

So this past week my heart has felt betrayed and sore and like it's been dipped in 10 day old chip fat. It feels dirty, truth be known. Oh and sucked in and played and tossed out on the trash heap. I think that gives just a little indication of how let down I feel.

And not because of any such action or any kind of promises. But just because I thought I meant more than the average person and therefore a heads up would have been the decent thing to do? Maybe I do suffer from delusions of grandeur and could it be that I don't mean as much to people as I thought I did? Does it mean that all my friendship was based on something that didn't actually exist? How bizarre?

You get to questioning yourself - this is the bit I've been doing all week - and the questions I've been trying to find the answers to are these?

a) Are old friends necessarily the ones that know you best?
b) Is it the friendship or the person at fault?
c) Is it because the friend has known you forever and therefore knows that you're a pushover and will be 'cool' in time.

If it's c) then that's very sad because I have changed over the years.