I miss my mom. Every now and then, I see flashes of who she was and I just want her whole again. I want a full hug, a full smile and a conversation that lasts more than 8 minutes. I want to be able to chat in the kitchen or in the garden. I want her to give me her words of wisdom and laugh at the funnies we do. I want to talk to her on the phone every night.
I want to go shopping and have her tell me what doesn't suit me and moan about how I always wear jeans.
I am so grateful that we still have her, when most don't survive what she had. But I want that witty, bitchy, affectionate and most loving woman back. The woman who hated anyone calling me anything but Alison but called me her little sugar plum fairy. The woman who stayed up all night when I was in my 20's agyer my wisdom teeth op went wrong. The woman who was the first to see my so and then phoned everyone in the wee hours to boast that she was a Gwanny or Nanu as she most proud to be called. Yes, there is no doubt we had a fiery and complicated relationship like most mothers and daughters but she was the first person I went to.
I find it hard to know that she is still there and every now and again, she has a flash of who she was and that's great.
But our lives changed - the whole family's, when she had that stroke and we all had to grow up. And I'm not sure I wanted to.
Anyway, I miss my mom. But I still have her.
