A letter to my 1313

It’s the fifth of November… Remember Remember

And I just can’t forget.

So in the interests of trying to expel the morbid, emotional, hormonal and really out of sorts ‘me’… I’m going to delve into the past and remember. Because I’m fairly sure that this is why I’m a little ‘flat’.

Two years ago – now – I wrote my last whatsapp to Nhandi. It said “I love you and miss you and want you better. Love you love xx”

I didn’t know that she would never read it, I didn’t know that would be my last message to her. Had I had known, I would have said:

“My darling girl, I love you and I miss you and I want you better. I can’t comprehend you not getting better so do it! You’ve been the best friend I could have wished for and although I wasn’t always the best friend I could have been to you, I love you unconditionally. Love you love xx”

*it is interesting to note from afar that my last word to her was 'love', as that's why I've always said "love you love" and she was one of a few who knew that* 

Yes, I think that’s what I would have said. If I had to write to her now, I would say something different. It would be a mixture of happiness, anger and grief. I would berate her for leaving me/us/everyone, I would tell her funny stories of things she’s missed. I would tell her how everytime I see something that reminds me of her, or I see a picture, my insides just clench and while I don’t want to cry anymore, I find those tears sneak up at the most inopportune of moments. I’ll tell her how sick I must be making everyone when I go on about how much I miss her. BUT also, how I’m really annoyed with her for leaving me. How she was really selfish leaving her babies to that man. BUT that I know how much she was hurting and now she’s not.

I’d tell her that and more. I’d tell her how I hear a piece of music and hear her singing. That I’m still silly and goofy. That two years later, I still go to text her something. That seeing pictures of her babies makes my heart swell and I realise how proud I am of her.

I’d tell her I love her so much.