Hallowed

Why am I such an elephant? And I don’t mean in the size sense, I’m purely about the memory here. Nhandi got married on this day. No arsehole remembers. By arsehole, it’s clear who I mean. And why should any arsehole remember? When he’s gone and got himself a new wife.
And she was beauty personified on that day. All pink and gold and glittery.....to quote a lyric. There’s a picture of her and Lani dancing on that day.
If only we COULD see the future. If only, if only, if only.
People say you shouldn’t tinge the past with regret. But I cannot help but feel regret the things I never said to my girl. Or the things I did say, but didn’t push her on.
So she got married on Halloween. No treat.

Harking to the past for the future....

6 years ago I believe I found myself. Not in an Eat, Pray, Love kind of way. More like a East, Beast, Feast kind of way. I had found a song that resonated with me in the months prior. Something about the lyrics, the tune, the artist singing all just went bam! boom! whallop! into my head/heart.

And then I was given an opportunity to go to Thailand. Not a place that I'd ever thought of going to. I flew alone, I travelled alone, halfway across the world. I did that. I arrived alone. Not lonely, you understand but in my own company. When I got there, I was stunned into silence - not something that happens all that often. I was in awe of the heat, the vibrancy, the scenery, the cow-sized ceramic chickens, the everything. But it also felt comfortable, like it was familiar.

On my second morning there, that song from months ago, was playing in the breakfast floating island thing. And again with the bam! boom! whallop! and I realised this was me, this is who I am. I'm happy in my skin. Ah well yes, the skin may change - or rather the volume of it - in fact this is direct correlation with me finally managing to put on weight. Gone was the nervous energy, gone was the constant on the move. I calmed down. And that was a good thing.

Maybe Thailand wasn't the cause, maybe it was the end result. Whatever it was, it helped.

Weird, I always think that I enjoyed Thailand on my own. I guess I did.

.....Landslide 

As to the future, well sometimes I need to remind myself, that I know what I want and I'm happy enough getting it. And that my road is a different path to travel than others. That I'm not content to stay here, behind this desk. But also that I'm gentle, I'm soft and kind hearted and to remember not to lose that trait, for it is a good one.

"For although I cannot fly, I am not content to crawl" - 9 days

Lets have a word - open letter

Now c'mon Bread... how can you do this to me?
I love you. I truly loved you.
I love all the different types you can be.
I love your softness, your soft bits, your warm and delightful bits.
I love the way you go with everything. Soup, eggs, bacon, all my favourite eating things.
I love the way you can be so many different types. You're the global staple. Without you, there would be starvation and famine and world wars (for'sure)
And yet you turn on me like this... like a horrible thing.
I hurt Bread, I hurt so deep inside my head. If I had known that my love for you is so unrequited, I would have taken my pennies to the gluten-free aisle.
Your chemicals run deep. My brain constricts like a snake with a juicy pig.
Bread, it's over. Be gone from my lips, my belly, my life.

Family

It's a global community we have. Especially if you come from a country which isn't very old and has most of it's roots based in immigration. I'm first generation South African on my dad's side and 3rd on my mothers. It's pretty much a given that family is scattered around the world. And even although I don't live in SA anymore, I have family there as well and friends. I'm quite often torn between two places - not so much in later years as previous.

So when one of the most influential people in your life, who currently live so many miles away, comes to visit - it's like Christmas and your birthday are on the same day (with double presents). It's beyond amazing, emotional and makes your heart explode with love and fun times. And makes you yearn for maybe the day when she's not a12 hour (minimum) flight away... when she's at most an hour flight away or a hour's drive. So that you don't have to work out time difference, so that you can get 'puppy' love from the dawgs, where you can surround yourself with familiarity and family. Where you can snort like a warthog and cackle like an hyena and it'll be okay because she knows you and is more likely snorting along with you.... I want that day to come soonest.




Soonest. Hurry. 

Ice ice baby

Sometimes I feel jaded and experienced and old. Not often mind you, but sometimes.

Then I come to this office. It's 14C outside, it's raining, I'm wearing winter garments. And yet, every single flipping window is open. I think there are even two fans going. My fingers are going blue, my feet encased in ice and yet there are several women bemoaning how hot they are. FFS, go to your doctor, get the HRT - it's not hard to do.

I'm not exactly sure why I have to freeze to death because your temperature is governed by your hormones. Why should I have to think about bringing hat/gloves/scarf/coat to work in the month of August? I'm not impressed.

So today I feel not so jaded, not so old. It's a result of sorts.

The Bumps

I'm allergic to animals. All of them it appears, even the flying and 8 legged beasties.

This summer has been particularly bad for the animals liking my skin, blood, fur. And I've been feasted on quite merrily. I'm kind of au-fait with the process now.

And bored with it.

This is my day to day guide.

Day one comes the big red patch, it's like a tomato has bled on your body.
Half way though day one: you start to swell.
Now if the bite is on a piece of skin that you like to expose, you're not onto a winner. In fact, in my opinion, Winner turns to Whiner. Because by swelling I mean, the tomato bleeding bit has swelled to an epic proportion. This last one I've had is not so bad, it is only the size of my palm. I find applying some sort of anti septic cream helps - the nurses say it doesn't, I say I am a fan of the placebo effect. Copious amounts of chocolate directly applied to the mouth is also good.

Day two and you feel ill. I imagine the sucker's poison is traversing through my system. My body reacts by increasing the swelling size and forming a huge blister. Thanks Body, you're AWESOME! You also start feeling like road kill. Hot and feverish. Clammy, And ill. And all other things road kill feels like. Dead and matted and emotional.
The temptation to lance the boil must not be given into.. not until day 4 at the very least.

The tomato patch and blister will be hot to touch, and sore. However, people will marvel at the size and regale you with when it happened to them. It never happened to them, not like this. Spider stories get boring very quickly but do try to smile through the pain. If you wanted, you could do a score card on how many people tell you that a million baby spiders will hatch from patch. 10 points gets you a vodka. 11 gets you two.

If you bother to seek medical advice, be prepared for nurses being shocked - it's a little bit off putting at first. But you must remember, these are very often nurses from the Northern Hemisphere, not the tropics, they are not used to these beasties. They will give you medication and sympathy. It will work. Don't take pictures of the offending article... it never looks as bad as it feels and quite frankly when will you show it off? Oh maybe when someone else has a bite and a score card they're hoping to score a vodka off?

Repeat until day 5 when you will give into the blister and lance it. You'll be sick of people gasping over your bite and you'll also be sick of marvelling over it's largeness.  Don't forget sterilisation is rather important if you're going to lance. 

And after day 6, your body will be back to it's wondrous self. You'll be a little grumpy for a day or two, I think this is because the poison hasn't fully left the body. You'll be tired.  So sleep dammit.

Repair and reward your body with great food, great company, drinks and a road trip. It's what I'm doing this weekend. Only two legged animals allowed. #fact

Pins in the head

It's a Tuesday. The sun is shining. The birds are all a twitter. There's a soft breeze blowing and it's summertime.

And where am I? Well, I'm not outside. I'm in a place where the good, the bad and the ugly congregate. A place so cold in atmosphere, I'm wearing a jersey (outside it is 20+C). A place where I keep trying to escape and they keep dragging me back. A place no one can believe you'd want to leave. Leave? Heavens, why ever would you want to do such a thing? The thing is... I'm actually not ready for the scrap heap, I'm not ready to throw myself a retirement party. I'm not ready to say the same phrase 15 times a day, 5 days a week... that's approx 3850 times a year - give or take public holidays. I'm not ready to be bored. And I know that's what I am.

What I am ready for is to shine and sparkle and do things. Do bloody great things with my time. Do bloody great things with time.

I had another blog to write, but as so often happens, my mind pins onto something else and this has been the pin in my head for a few long weeks.